this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
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Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.