timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
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Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
scares
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.