Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
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Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
Follow me for more fitness tips.
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]