I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
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My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
when you order from DoorDastardly
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to