I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
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aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?