My dog after a walk in the woods.
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*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
I can’t deal with men any longer
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
BRAKING NEWS!!
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know