Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
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ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you