seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
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If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
umm…
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.