When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
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*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Cucumbers Anonymous