#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
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me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.