turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
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Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
I ate everything, including the H.
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.