[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
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Florida man
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.