Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
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What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
Sing it!
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.