ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
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Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
My patronus is a cheeseburger