Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
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“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
Everyone’s family
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
How do horror writers compete with current events?
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.