Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
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attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
dutch so unserious
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever