I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
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I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER