My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
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can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church