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I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.