if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
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– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.