i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
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I could NOT have put it better myself.
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking