When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
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*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you