I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
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me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
the council will decide your fate
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park