A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
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Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”