My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
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DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard