*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
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[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.