Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
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Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
Looking at you, Jesus.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.