But is it really??
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[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
“i am a sweet baby”
why no one uses midhusbands
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders