I can’t be the only one 😂
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[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
The opposite of goth is stopth.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
Comparing yourself to others
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean