That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
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Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
🙂🐾
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we