I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
You Might Also Like
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.