[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
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I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”