I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
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*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude