The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
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boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
if my sleeping schedule was a person
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil