Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
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Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
Easy enough.
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.