[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
You Might Also Like
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
i wish i could marry a nap
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
I like crazy people until they notice me
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.