[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
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If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
Uh oh…
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!