my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
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Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
Hard not to take this personally
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
How did we not see this back then?
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
where do you see yourself in five years?
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
Basically.
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.