ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
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Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
This could be us, but you weedin’.
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”