Just me and my debit card against the world
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Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.