Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
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Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
why no one uses midhusbands
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.