My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
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I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.