I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
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HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.