can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
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I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
A friend helps you before you need it
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”