I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
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Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!