Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
You Might Also Like
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
🔦🌙👣