If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
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Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
Möther may I have a snäck
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.