“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
You Might Also Like
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
We cut our bangs at dawn.
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.