criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
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This is so me 😂😂
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”