Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
You Might Also Like
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
I love art.
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
Thank you corporation very cool
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?